EI skills for development. Part 3. Intrapersonal Development

Two next emotional skills are essential to self-worth, confidence, and personal competence. Intrapersonal development requires the full development of a strong, personal belief system and the effective management of the pressures and stress of life and work.

SELF ESTEEM: The ability, belief, and skill to view self as positive, competent, and successful in achieving personal goals. Self Esteem is reflected in genuine self-confidence, a high regard for self and others, and self worth. Positive Self Esteem is the foundation of achievement and a general sense of well being. Self Esteem includes the powerful personal belief system about self, personal competence, and value of self. Self Esteem is developed and maintained daily by experiencing success in effective dealing with self, others, and the demands of life and work. Self Esteem is a key emotional skill essential for learning about and developing self in all aspects of life.

STRESS MANAGEMENT: The ability and skill to choose and exercise healthy self-control and self-management in response to stressful events. Stress Management is reflected in the ability to control and manage stress and strong emotions in the many situations of daily life and work. Stress Management involves self-regulation of emotional intensity and the use of relaxation and cognitively derived coping strategies in difficult and high stress situations. Stress Management is a key emotional skill essential to health, performance, and satisfaction in life and work.

In the memory of My Father...

Today is 2 years from the day when my father dead..  and today the day when the part of my heart dead with him… and today is the day when my heart and soul reborn and recover…

I don’t know how to consider today – good ot bad day for me, but its exactly true that this is  important day…

I saw a lot of people who met death. And becouse of my profession I was supposed to help them to recover and go over death of beloved people.. I know a lot of theory about stages through which we go when we recover and I used this theory a lot to help other people… But unfortunatly this theory has nothing to do with self-help…

My father is the person who really taught me how to feel.. Not becouse he explained me something, but becouse he created atmosphere for me where was a lot of feelings..Different feelings.. Deep feelings…

I felt respected.. He always treated me as a person who has right to be equal to him – he asked my opinion, he trusted me,  and even if he knew that I lied to him or tried to hide something – he never blame me – always gave me chance to make my own decisions how to behave in this situations…

I felt loved… I am not one of his children, but  I feel that  I really beloved one.. He showed me different sides of love: love-acceptance, love-hate, love-tenderness and love-care… It was the feeling he was really master to produce, but unfortunatly it was the feeling which it was most difficult  for him to feel.  And even after his death he showed me how different could love be:

One of his principles was cleaned shoes. He always told me that shoes should be cleaned and cared.  But in the same time he also taught me that it should be task of the man in the family – to take care of shoes. He taught me how to clean it, but never allowed me to do it.  He did it for all our family by himself.

And in the day of his death, after everything happened and we started  to pack things to use for funeral, we found his shoes cleaned, prepared and shined.. He felt that he would  die soon.. . And even in this last moments he thought about us – women of his family – not to do job he was sure woman should not do…

Imagine, how he were caring me: In the day when I went to hospital becouse his doctor told me that he should tell me something , he caught me in front of the doctor’s  door  and said: “Elena.. most probably they will tell you that I have cancer. I stole my medicine book and I saw its written there.. Please, don’t worry – I already know everything..”

I feel guilty.. I always think I could have done do more to help him to fight with his disease.. I feel guilty that he was so strong not to put all his fears, tears and pain on my shoulders… and till last days did almost everything by himself…

I feel guilty that I was not with him in his last moments..

I feel shame.. I feel shame that I was so afraid to be with him during last days and to see his unhelpness that I could not hold his hand even if I wanted to do it the most of all…

For last 2 years I felt sadness… deep sadness…  I even can admitt that I have been depressed for all this time…  sadness – its attempt to suppress pain, not to feel it.. and its only illusion that its possible to avoid pain..

I read somewhere that depression is a trance.. I was in trance.. I did the same things, repeated it all day, month and even years…. And as I also learn – that to quit trance you should do something… and most important – something new…

And I started doing new things and set goals… I dedicated my speech at European Public Speaking  Competion to my father.. and I know I was good in it. I promised him to get Award as Most Outstanding Trainer – and I got it. I decided to start finally actively  work with my Emotional Intelligence topic – and I went to USA for conference, started my blog, print articles… I started doing new things and finally I can say that today, 19 of October 2010 I quit sadness…

My Dear Father, as always in my childhood, you set high goals for me, you taught me how not to give up and do everything to achieve dreams.  The same you are doing  for me after your death –  you make me move forward, keep living full life and remember about priorities of my  life!

I always feel your support, love and help..   

And through my tears, mix of feelings and pain I say “I love you” as I never loved anyone in my life…. As Daughter loves Father,

and as only my heart can love…

EI skills for development. Part 2. Self Management in Life and Career

There are other 3 Emotional Intelligence skills which you can develop to use more your initial emotional potential.

DRIVE STRENGTH: The ability to effectively direct personal energy and motivation to achieve personal, career, and life goals. Drive Strength is reflected in goal achievement and in the ability to complete meaningful goals that result in personal satisfaction and positive feelings. Drive Strength involves the learning of specific strategies and processes of action goal setting that a person can apply and practice on a daily basis in personal, career, and life projects. Drive Strength is a key emotional skill essential for high performance, goal achievement, and success.

TIME MANAGEMENT: The ability to organize tasks into a personally productive time schedule and use time effectively for task completion. Time Management is reflected in the ability to achieve and productively manage the valuable resource of time, rather than responding or reacting to the demands of time. Time Management involves the learning and using of effective skills and brings harmony to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on a daily basis in the pursuit of personal, career, and life goals. Time Management is a key emotional skill essential to the effective management of self.

COMMITMENT ETHIC: The ability to complete tasks, projects, assignments, and personal responsibilities in a dependable and successful manner, even in difficult circumstances. Commitment Ethic is reflected by an inner-directed, self-motivated, and persistent effort to complete projects regardless of other distractions and difficulties. Commitment Ethic involves a personal standard for meeting the goals, expectations, and requirements of life and career. Commitment Ethic is a key emotional skill essential for success and satisfaction and is the inseparable companion of high achievement and personal excellence.

EI skills for development. Part 1. Personal Leadership

All emotional skills can be divided in a 4 areas, which you can start to develop. I want to introduce all of them step by step.

First area is PERSONAL LEADERSHIP.

In this area there are 4 emotional skills which are essential to the learning and development of positive and responsible leadership. Personal Leadership requires social skills, the ability to understand and respect the views of others, the ability to solve problems, and the ability to lead itself in positive ways.

So, here are this skiils: 

COMFORT: The ability to judge appropriate social, emotional, and physical distance and verbal and non-verbal interactions with others and to impact and influence others in positive ways. Interpersonal Comfort includes the ability to establish rapport and develop trust in relationships by using effective attending skills and being honest, self-assured, and open. Comfort enables a person to be confident, spontaneous, and relaxed with others in a variety of situations. Comfort is a key emotional skill essential for developing and maintaining positive interactions with others in social and/or leadership capacities.

EMPATHY: The ability to accurately understand and constructively respond to the expressed feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and needs of others. Accurate Empathy involves active listening in a patient, compassionate, and non-judgmental manner and communication back to the person the feelings of being heard, understood, and accepted as a person. Empathy enables a person to be viewed as caring, genuine, and trustworthy. Empathy is a key emotional skill essential for honest and effective communication in social and/or leadership capacities.

DECISION MAKING: The ability to plan, formulate, initiate, and implement effective problem solving procedures. Decision Making involves using problem solving and conflict resolution strategies in solving personal problems and using a skills approach in making decisions. Decision Making skills include knowing and using a systematic model or process for anticipating and approaching problems and decisions in daily life and work. Decision Making is a key emotional skill essential for formulating and seeing choices in problem situations and for involving others in the solution to problems and conflicts.

LEADERSHIP: The ability to positively impact, persuade, influence others, and in general make a positive difference. Leadership is a behavioral reflection of self-empowerment with developed abilities and skills in interpersonal and goal-directed areas of life. Leadership is a set of personal and goal directed behaviors and actions that create momentum, consensus, and support in working with others. Leadership is a key emotional skill essential for establishing and providing vision, momentum, and direction for others in ways that are valued and respected.

If you want to learn more about level of development of your skills in the area Personal Leadership, let me know - I will provide you with Emotional Intelligence Skills Assessment.

Positive value of the negative feelings...

Say "YES" to the LIFE!

“I should not feel angry!” (..guilty, offended, sad, lonely and etc.) 

Very often I hear this words from my clients – they stop feeling some feelings, because they consider them as negative. 

We prefer to use positive feelings – like happiness, joy, love, excitement. And we often block negative feelings within us.

But who decided what feelings are positive and what are negative? Do we have an official list of feelings we should feel and  forbidden emotions”? Its only in our minds!

Lets look closely at different feelings and see what negative can positive emotions bring us and what value for us have negative emotions.  

 I will give you some examples and if you wish you can you’re your own  “research” about it.   The most ideas I list below came from participants of my “Emotional Intelligence” course all over the world. And I completely agree with all of them. 

Negative Effect of Positive Emotions

If you feel independent you can start being self-centered and finally you will stay alone .

If you feel optimistic – you can lose some potential danger moments and you will lose your critical mind.

If you feel  relaxed than  finally you can become lazy.

Confidence can bring you to stop of self development and closed mind set.

Excitement  can take all your energy and you will fill empty at the end.  

Positive Value of Negative Emotions

Sadness – tell us that we lost something important for us and gives us information about our values.

Anger – huge source of energy. If we let this energy go out – we can do a lot of things.

Envy – shows our motivators and can motivate us for development and actions.

Loneliness – gives us time to rest and be with ourselves.

Fear – make us become careful and shows potential danger.

Hopeless – gives us sign that we need help and support and if we ask we can have it.

Guilt – tells us that we did something that is not according to our values and principles. And we can correct our actions.  

You can see that there is always two sides of each emotion – the question is how you use your emotions to help you.

One of the definitions of Emotional Intelligence is that its learned ability to think constructively.  Its skill to use information and resources which emotions give you for your success.

Every emotion is a source of resources for you – and if you block it, if you don’t allow yourself to feel it – you ?? yourself of it. And if you ask yourself – what this emotion tells me? What information about my needs it gives me? What I need to do? – answers will lead you to constructive actions which satisfy your needs.

The word EMOTIONS goes from E-MOTION. “Energy to MOVE.”  Emotion keeps a lot of energy for actions and you should find the answer for what exact action you have this energy.

If you just feel worry – you can block this feeling, stop yourself and finally have headache or stomach pain (because all our blocked emotions finally find place and tension in our body). Or you can choose something else – you can ask yourself:  what worries me? What should I do differently not to worry? What I do wrong? – and answers will help you to find peace within you and act accordingly to your needs.

Task to develop EI skills: next time you feel strong emotion – ask yourself: What it tells me? What action should I do? What need do I have to be satisfied? And as soon as you have answer, Just Act!

Unconstructive Emotions: how they help us to feel better?

Personal feelings - we hold it within our heart :)

We use terms emotions or feelings in different circumstances.  If we happy, if we feel offended, if we even cant call the name of feeling - still we say - I feel something...


But do you know that we have different types of feelings? And what is the most important - depending on the type we should use different ways of managing it. And only if we use appropriate way - we can really help ouselves.


So, we have two main groups of feelings: our personal feelings - are the feelings which come to us becouse of ourselves - they appear as the result of the events happed with us. So simply we can say that we are the reason for that feelings.

But also we have taken feelings which we take from external world. I will tell you about it in later posts.

And now lets look at the first  group.

Personal feelings.  
As you already know - personal feeling appears becouse of us. Something happens in our life and we start feel something. And first type here is Primary Emotions. These are emotons which appears immidiatly after something has happened and you cant control it anyhow. We have them as a heritage after animals and they serve us to help us survive.
Basically we have 4 primary Emotions: Anger, Fear, Joy and Sadness. All other are coming mostly from these 4. And if we have some stimuls from external world - one of these 4 emotions comes first as an answer.


And if Joy we consider as positive emotion and we feel it with the pleasure, the Anger or Fear or sadness usually bring us unplesant sensations and we have tendency to suppress it. Trying not to feel or to substitute it with Secondary Emotions (SE).


They come (or its better say we bring it ) to help us NOT to feel primary emotions. Such feeling as Offense, Guilt, Envy and a lot of others - they come and hide primary and help us "to feel better". For example, its easier to feel Offense than to follow Anger and fight with those who make us feel pain. And we "prepfer" (of course unconsciously - we dont really make thiss choce)  to feel offended.


The trick with SE is that they can lasting for very long time (inthe next post i will tell you why) even for years, and Primary Emotions they have limited time "to live" within us. Only difference is that PE could be (and usuallythey are) very intensive. And often they bring strong pain to us. They have a lot of energy within them. And often people prefer to feel something else (SE) with low intensiveness but for longer time than to feel strong emotion. They have fear that this strong emotions willlast for a long time, but its not true. 


The main advice is not to block primary emotions come to you, feel it and let it go very quickly.


Task to  develop EI:  next time you are in the situation which couses emotions, ask your self: what of the primary emotion i feel now? and notice what Secondary Emotion comes to hide it. Do it at least 5 times and send me your otes about it :) God Luck!