I already told you about primary and secondary feelings, but there is one more type which sometimes is much more difficult to deal with. Let call it Borrowed feelings. I will explain why..
Have you ever felt something that you consider as a strange feelings, something that does not belong to you or even something you dont want to feel? Or probably once you thought: "I feel it, but i cant explain why.. I dont have reasons to feel it...".
For, example, it happens that one feels deep sadness since childhood and you even cant explain why.. Or you can see child who is very agressive - without any visible reason....
Or other day you meet close friend who is very nervious, talk a little bit, come home and feel unreasonable anxiety.
This kind of feelings are called Borrowed feelings, becouse they come to us from other people. We take them from them and feel them instead letting them to feel it by themselves. Of course it happens unconsciously but still it happens.
The question - why?
There is several reasons.
First reason comes from idea that when we communicate at the deepesr level of communication (emoinal level) - we exchange our emotions with other people like we exchange words when we communicate at verbal level. We create common emotional field from emotional conditions of people involved in the communicative process and exchange all what we bring in the procees of communication. And if at verbal level we can filter what to accept or what not to, so at emotional level very often we dont recognize and dont filter - just recieve everything what other people send to us. and not only recieve but also adopt it.
So its very important to be aware about your emotional own condition - to be able to recognize what is yours and what was brought there from other people.
The second reason is more deeper.
it goes from system approach which states that we can not consider one person as separate from the hople system he is included. The most importnat systen for everyone is Family. With parents, grandparents and several generations before you.
Sometimes it happens, that in previous generations someone had difficult destiny and had to keep strong feelings - guilt, agression, fears or even love or happines - and this feelings go to next generation untill someone pick it up and start feel. It means that family as a closed system dont let our feelings go outside - it keeps them inside and can pass from generation to generation.
The same happens with our children. if you see something strange happens to your child and you cant explain what is it, look at what happens between parents. Very often our children shows us real picture of our partners relations. They are like mirrow of the family- becouse they can not pretend and just express what they catc from the "family field of relations".
Once I saw this scene. At the funeral of my father everyone kept themselves calm and unemotional. But my daughter showed terrible behavior which she never showed before and after - she yelled, cried, was nervious. So she showed all of us what happened with us and what we did not show to each other.
Task to develop EI: Every time you communicate with someone try to feel what you feel at that moment and aware where is your feeling and where probably you came in the resonance with other person.
No comments:
Post a Comment