Wednesday, June 18, 2014

"Breaking up it's never easy I know, but I have to go.." (ABBA)

I know that we can't prevent breaking ups, but what I truly wish is that when it happens I can keep only warm feelings, good memories, lessons learnt and feel gratitude to my partner for all our journey together.

"Hello dear

Its so strange to call u this way now, after such intensive and unclear month which followed after beginning of tension between us.

I could never imagined in a moment i was leaving you in airport that less than in a 2 weeks all that missunderstandings will start, i will cry my eyes out almost every night and probably will never meet u again.

I couldnt stand calm even single day without u after i left U, keeping all memories, feelings, talks, touches, nights and days about us. I felt so happy and incredibly lightened...

I want to open up myself and to share some important things with you about my experience, becouse i feel it can make me feel better and maybe can be interesting for you too.

I want to start from the one spring day when i was sitting in my kitchen and dreaming about man i want to meet... I was thinking about someone who can help me grow as a person, teach me something, let me open the best in myself. Someone who can be responsible, successfull, mature enough to stand my emotional instability, see the best in me and help me to learn about relationships.. It was some more details in that (something like dream to live in huge house with windo walls) and I was shocked when in a couple of minutes i got this message from you with " come to me, I  have huge apartments with large windows".. And then I got your call and was smiling all the talk , becouse i felt so good just being connected to you...

Trough all that time I felt that by being with you and with your help I  opened and discovered a lot in myself. It is not visible  from outside, but  at least i know how many huge steps i did to overcome my internal barriers, which grew since my childhood and play huge role in fact that I closed my heart to other people.

Remember our visit to that photoexibition and how tough i felt there? It reminded me a lot about my childhood when i was sexually, physically and emotionally abused for many times by different people. I forgot it and suppressed it for a long time becouse pain which was concealed under that was huge.

But of course it influenced all my relationship and emotional patterns, and looking back i am proud of who i am knowing what i went through. I am telling it to you not to excuse myself but just to share and maybe to give you more clarity of who i am and what happened to me all that time. This is my step towards being more open and not showing only my strong side.

I asked Universe for relationships where i can grow and learn my life lessons. i truly believe that all what happenes to us we chose and created  by ourselves in order to learn our lessons.. So i know now that all what happened during this time with you is only for my benefit even if it was sometimes so painful. The way to growth cant be only easy and fun, it is challenging..

I learned how to share and think abut other person, by trying to find something what can bring joy and smile on your face. I learned how to spend sleepless nights creating handmade gift and trying to be on time to make some surprise.. I learned how to close my mouth if i want to say something judging , I learnt how to stop my blaming thoughts and changing it into compassion and understanding... I learnt how to be grateful and admire other person... 

Of course i dont speak that i learned how to cook, to dive, watch good movies, relax, standing under waterfall, riding motobice.. So many simple things... 

When i look back on the time we spent together i only  can remember the best time and memories.... And when i look back for last month i can remember only tears, worries, anxiety, doubts.... And it brings me back all  my emotional pain which i dont want to remember. I want to feel to be loved, accepted, supported in whatever happens with me. I want to learn and grow together openely, without hidden thougts and agendas. I want and i need it becouse alone i cannot go over my past experiences.
I still  dont feel i am worth enough to be loved, that is why every coldness or distance in relationships makes me feel pain and I starting afraid of being abonded. Yes its difficult for me to trust becouse a lot of people whom i trusted and opened myself used it against of me.
yes its not easy for me to keep being calm when my man keep distance because of some problems in his life, so i dont know what happens and consider it as a sign of breaking up. 
Yes, i take it too personal.. And yes, i know u can say its my issue and i have to deal with yet- yes,i have to , i will do it and i already in the process. But i need support....

And i cant allow any situation in my life which brings me back to my old track... 
Last month i feel very bad. Its very unclear for me what happens and where it goes. 

I feel very grateful to you, i can truly say you are the first man in my life who opened  so many new experiences and learning for me. Without you i would never have this changes and growth and personal transformations. And i hope it was good time for you too..."

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