Charlie Chaplin's speach on his 70th birthday.... Must read!!!

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth.
Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY“.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody as I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me.
Today I call it “RESPECT“.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “Maturity“.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment, so I could be calm.
Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE“.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm.
Today I call it “SIMPLICITY“.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.
Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF“.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time.
Today I discovered that is “MODESTY“.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening.

Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT“.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally.
Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART“.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.
Today I know THAT IS “LIFE“!

Речь Чаплина на свое 70-летие... Читать всем обязательно!!!

  "Когда я полюбил себя, я понял, что тоска и страдания - это только предупредительные сигналы о том, что я живу против своей собственной истины. Сегодня я знаю, что это называется “Быть самим собой”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я понял, как сильно можно обидеть кого-то, если навязывать ему исполнение его же собственных желаний, когда время еще не подошло, и человек еще не готов, и этот человек - я сам. Сегодня я называю это “Самоуважением”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я перестал желать другой жизни, и вдруг увидел, что жизнь, которая меня окружает сейчас, предоставляет мне все возможности для роста. Сегодня я называю это “Зрелость”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я понял, что при любых обстоятельствах я нахожусь в правильном месте в правильное время, и все происходит исключительно в правильный момент. Я могу быть спокоен всегда. Теперь я называю это “Уверенность в себе”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я перестал красть свое собственное время и мечтать о больших будущих проектах. Сегодня я делаю только то, что доставляет мне радость и делает меня счастливым, что я люблю, и что заставляет мое сердце улыбаться. Я делаю это так, как хочу и в своем собственном ритме. Сегодня я называю это “Простота”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я освободился от всего, что приносит вред моему здоровью - пищи, людей, вещей, ситуаций. Всего, что вело меня вниз и уводило с моего собственного пути. Сегодня я называю это “Любовью к самому себе”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я перестал всегда быть правым. И именно тогда я стал все меньше и меньше ошибаться. Сегодня я понял, что это “Скромность”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я прекратил жить прошлым и беспокоиться о будущем. Сегодня я живу только настоящим моментом и зову это “Удовлетворением”.
       Когда я полюбил себя, я осознал, что ум мой может мне мешать, что от него можно даже заболеть. Но когда я смог связать его с моим сердцем, он сразу стал моим ценным союзником. Сегодня я зову эту связь “Мудрость сердца”.
       Нам больше не нужно бояться споров, конфронтаций, проблем с самими собой и с другими людьми. Даже звезды сталкиваются, и из их столкновений рождаются новые миры. Сегодня я знаю, что это - “Жизнь”.

Just like it....

"Instead of giving themselves the right to be imperfect and suffer from emotional wounds, the majority of people continue to blame others, including their reasons for their fear, anger and sadness.

That's why so many peopleare going through negative emotions , and emotions , in turn ,cause all sorts of diseases .

But these emotions can be used for the benefit of:
Fear helps you understand what you need to protect and look for her. He recalls that this protection should be sought in myself.

Anger is useful in that helps you find your need for self-affirmation, to articulate their demands and take a closer listen to their needs.

Grief helps you to understand that you are suffering from feelings of loss or fear to lose. Grief teaches man not to become attached.

Love yourself - it means to be responsible  for our lives and give ourselves the right to exercise this responsibility. "

 

Просто очень понравилось.... и поддержало..

"Вместо того чтобы дать себе право быть несовершенными и страдать от душевных ран, большинство людей продолжает обвинять других, считая их причинами своего страха, гнева и печали.

Именно поэтому люди переживают так много отрицательных эмоций, а эмоции, в свою очередь, вызывают всевозможные болезни.

Но эти эмоции можно использовать во благо:

Страх помогает тебе понять, что ты нуждаешься в защите и ищешь ее. Он же напоминает о том, что настоящую защиту следует искать в самом себе.

Гнев полезен тем, что помогает обнаружить твою потребность в самоутверждении, ясно сформулировать свои требования и более внимательно прислушаться к своим потребностям.

Печаль помогает тебе понять, что ты страдаешь от чувства потери или от страха потерять. Печаль учит человека не привязываться.

ЛЮБИТЬ СЕБЯ - значит самому отвечать за свою жизнь и дать себе право проявлять эту ответственность".

On-line consultations!

I'm glad to inform you that now you have posibility to ask questions on the special page of my blog.

I will be glad to answer all requests posted here and give you personal result.

You can ask questions about emotions, relations, EQ and everything you are interested in connected to the Mission of this blog.

Looking forward to see your questions soon!

Enjoy your findings with the key for the test!

I like to see how many answers we got for the test! And I thank you for your trust and openess!

As promised, I am glad to inform you about secret of each answer.

When you know what each of objects in the test represents,  please look through you answers agan and you will see it from another perspective.

So,
Q1- berries. Berries are about money and how we deal in our life with money. Do we eat all of them and keep nothing or we eat a little bit and the rest bring to our beloved ones?

Q2 - Bear is some dangers in our life. Do we go stright and fight with it or hide ourselves? Or probably we find some interesting maneuvers like to bring it to the berries field to change his attetion into it? :)

Q3 - water is love... how we behaive when we are close to new love or meet new love? Some of us just go beside it and dont even touch, some of us have fears if its clear enough and some of us drink it and take with them...

Q4 -  lake represents our soul.. our internal world... i will not give any comments on it - you can see by yourself how many different descrprion of souls do we have...

Q5 - sea and our behavior close to it shows  our patterns about how we start new relations. Are we cautious?  Or we jump immedieately in it?

Q6- is our preferences in our partner.. do we like blond or rown? tall or just strong? - again you can see different descriptions :) and as i know at least some of them have sense :)

 Q7 - house is new opportunities in our life. Do we use it and try to have something from  what they bring to us?

Q8 - the way we deal with horse is the way we communicate with our partner. Some of us give ultimate freedom, some of us have sureness that horse will not go away, some of us use strong rope to kep it close.

Q9 - the wall is difficulties we meet in our life and what we do when we meet them. As you can see we use different strategies in this difficult moments - go back, walking along it or even (what I like the most ) is trying to use horse to break it :)))

I wish you enjoy your answers and will be glad to hear your comments about test, results and everything about this learning experience!

Please, post your comments and fedback here!

5D в театре, в кино...и в жизни.

«Как вы судно назовете так оно и поплывет» - эта поговорка верна и по отношению к моему блогу J

Я начала вести  блог про роли и жизненный театр, и видимо поэтому последние две недели активно ходила с дочкой в театры. И нашла там много интересного для этого блога, чем хочу с вами и поделиться.

Мы ходили на два мюзикла – «Зорро» и «Карлсон». Казалось бы, совершенно разные сюжеты и истории.  Но.. на самом деле очень схожи.

Оба про наши внутренние части. Оба и для детей, и для взрослых. Оба про то, что если есть какие-то аспекты нашей личности, требующие выражения, мы всегда найдем способ их реализовать. Как говорится «в жизни всегда есть место подвигу J». Самое главное – реализуем ли мы их осознанно как в случае с Зорро или бессознательно как в ситуации с Карлсоном.

Мне хотелось бы отдельно рассказать вам об этих сюжетах и том, что я нашла в них интересного, поэтому я посвящу следующие публикации именно этому.

А здесь я хочу остановитсья вот на чем. Задумывались ли вы над тем, почему билеты в партер стоят дороже чем амфитеатр или балкон? «Лучше видно» - часто отвечают именно так. Но поверьте, смотреть представление на первом ряду партера практически невозможно – приходится задирать голову и вдыхать пыль.

«Лучше слышно» - но сегодня в театрах используют современные звуковые системы. Слышно и на галерке хорошо.

На мюзикле «Зорро» мы сидели на последнем ряду. Нам было отдлично слышно и прекрасно все видно – ведь преимущество дальних рядов в том, что можно видеть всю картинку целиком, воспринимать происходящее на сцене целостно, единым образом.

Но. Я, как человек чувстующий и нуждающийся в сильных эмоциональных впечатлениях, ощущала нехватку эмоционального накала и той волны, которая исходит от сцены.

И вот что я вам скажу – мы платим в разы больше за билеты в партере не за  то, чтобы лучше слышать. И не за то, чтобы лучше видеть. А за то, чтобы больше чувствовать.

На сцене во время любого живого представления- неважно, театр ли это или концерт живой музыки, возникает уникальная атмосфера, аура, энергетическое поле, отражающее все переживания и эмоциональный заряд актеров. И мы платим за то, чтобы прикоснуться к этому полю.

Мы платим за силу эмоций, за силу энергетической волны, за глоток концентрированного коктейля чувств и переживаний. За кислородный коктейль, который дарят нам живые люди со сцены.

И чем ближе наше место в зале к сцене, тем ближе мы к этому сгустку «другой  жизни», тем больше мы можем глотнуть нового опыта и ощутить, испытать и пережить настоящий эмоциональный опыт.

Вот почему театр остается и останется настоящим древним и неумирающим искусством, несмотря на все новые и новые уникальные современные технологии. И вот почему в кинотеатре VIP места – это места предпоследних рядов – потому что там от экрана не исходит той волны реальных ощущений, пердающихся в физическом поле, а есть необходмость видеть картинку целиком.

Интересно, смогут ли когда нибудь наряду с кинотехнологиями 3D (объемная картинка) и  4D (различные физические ощущения ) придумать технологию  5D, передающую реальные живые эмоции и чувства?

Надеюсь, что нет….

Я-Робот... или о том, как мы притягиваем к себе то, что есть в нас самих..

Вчера вечером посмотрела фильм "Я-Робот" с Уиллом Смитом в главной роли. Не то, чтобы мне нравился фильм (под конец фильма оказалось, что я его смотрела еще в 2004 :), но один момент мне понравился и  захотела им с вами поделиться.

Действие происходит в будущем, где многие бытовые функции выполняются роботами, все более и более становящимися похожими на людей не только внешне, но и эмоционально.

Главный герой-полицейский озадачен потенциальной опасностью, исходящей от роботов, заключающейся в нарушении ими законов и отклонении от заложенных в них функций.



Каждый раз, когда он оказывается рядом с роботами, они начинают выходить из строя. Ни с кем из его коллег этого не происходит, но он  в прямом "на своей шкуре" ощущает правдоподобность своих предсказаний.

Никто не может понять, в чем дело, и почему роботы реагируют так именно на него и проявляют свои нарушения именно рядом с ним.

Оказывается, что этот полицейский в свое время пережил серьезную травму и часть его тела (рука, плечо и легкие) сделаны из того же материала, что и роботы, с которыми ему приходилось сталкиваться в работе.

То есть эти роботы реагировали на него, проявляя свои нарушения, как на того, кто "одной с ними крови".

Это отличная демонстрация того, как мы сами притягиваем к себе то, что есть в нас самих. "Почему окружающие так агрессивны ко мне?" или "Как неодобритлеьно ко мне относятся окружающие" - эти фразы в первую очередь звучат от тех, кто не принимает в себе эти аспекты своей личности, проецируя их на других.

Если в вас есть неосознаваемая агрессия - вы будете ее полуяать по отношению к себе, если у вас есть оценочное отношение к окружающим - вы всгда будете сталкиваться с оценками других людей.

То, что есть в нас - заставляет окружающих проявлять те же самые качества по отношению к нам. Только значительно ярче и сильнее. Реальность нам оказывает, кто мы есть.

Совет дня: понаблюдайте за тем, что вы получаете от мира чаще всего. На что жалуетесь и чем недовольны. Соотнесите это с тем, что есть как часть вашей личности. Путь к избавлению проявлений этих аспектов во вне - принятие ваших внутренних свойств.

Explore yourself with an interesing test :)

Today I would like to you invite to interesting journey to yourself...
This small test I learned many time agon and used for different reasons, different cultures and dofferent people. Annd it worked. People were surprised about results and told me that it was wonderfull expereience.

So I suggest you to join me and go a little bit deeper within yourself.
I will write a story and after each part of the story i will ask questions which i will mark by numbers.

And I suggest you to write your answers in comments (if you want to be ananimous  - you are welcome).

The reason I kindly ask you to write your answers here is that others can see how it works, how different answers could be and it will deffinitly motivate more people to follow the test.

Ande as soon as I have answers from at least 5 people, i will post key to the test to let you know the answers :)

So, let's start:

Imagine that you are in the forest. Having a walk and enjoying the nature. And you found a small field full of berries. Q1 -What you will do with this  berries? How you will behave?

After you finish with the berries you continue walking and suddenly  at one moment you see big bear going straight to you. Q2 - What you will do in this situation?

So after bear left you continue walking deeper in the forest and see a jug with the water. You are quite thirsty. So Q3 - what you will do with this jug of water?

You continue your walk and at one moment you see the lake. Q4 - could you please describe this lake? What kind of lake it is and how it looks like?

So you continue going and finally approach the sea. Q5 - how you will behave with the sea?

And in a couple of minutes you see a hourse walking along the sea. Q6 - Could you please describe this hourse?

So you take this hourse with you and continue your journey. And at one moment you find a house with a stable. You dont see anyone around and house looks like noone is living there. You are tired. Q7- What you will do about this house? and Q8 - what you will do with the hourse?

After you had rest you left house and went further. And finally you see big wall - very high one and you cant see where it finishes. Q9 - what you will do about the wall?

This was the last question and I encourage you to answer in comments and soon to know something new about yourself :)

Зачем это все???

Моя дочь обожает играть в пиратов, человека-паука и маленького ребенка… Немаленький и возможно немного странный репертур для 5-летней девочки. Но в каждой из этих ролей она может реализовать разные части себя, которые невсегда может проявить в обычной жизни. И каждая из ролей в тот момент, когда она ее играет, очень гармонично в ней проявляется.

Весь мир театр, а люди в нем актеры. Это известное выражение несет в себе глубокий смысл.  Мы играем различные роли и репертуар наших ролей ограничен только нашей способностью жить насыщенной и полной жизнью.

Мать, жена, дочь, начальница, подчиненная, принцесса, стерва – вот немногие из ролей, которые играет женщина.

Сын, герой, муж, отец, босс – вот роли, которые берут на себя мужчины.

Помимо традиционного репертуара, сформированного обществом и социальным статусом, мы можем брать на себя различные роли из сказок, любимых фильмов, книг или просто собственных фантазий.

Я бываю шамаханской царицей, нежной феей, преданной Ассоль и коварной Миледи из «Трех мушкетеров».

Я бываю серьезным тренером-консультантом, заботливой подругой и эффектной бизнес-вумэн.

И каждая из ролей дает мне уникальный ресурс для успеха, требует от меня определенного костюма и грима, обязывает меня к выражению определенного текста.

Я нарочно использую утрированные театральные термины, чтобы показать, насколько выражение про людей-актеров, с которого я начала эту заметку, на самом деле серьезно отражается в нашей реальности.

Мы играем разные роли, эти роли-внутри нас и в каждый момент времени очень важно осознавать, какую роль вы играете, какой вам нужен грим и костюм и какой текст от вас требуется.

Каждая роль – это результат самовыражения. Выражение какой-то вашей внутренней части личности, оформленной с помощью внешних ресурсов. И это отражение должно быть не просто адекватным, но и эффективным. Это то, что мы называем управлением впечатлением, которое вы производите своей ролью на зрителей.

Я посвящаю этот блог всем тем, кто хочет быть более гибким в своем реперутаре жизненных ролей, кто хочет понимать и эффективно выбирать в каждый момент ту роль, которая даст больше ресурсов для успеха, кто хочет научиться использовать внешний образ для наиболее яркого отображения своего внутреннего мира.

Этот блог – половина большого блога, посвященного уникальному продукту, сочетающему в себе работу с имиджем и внутренним миром. Тому, как сделать так, чтобы внешний облик был в гармонии с внутренней ролью, и помогал, а не препятствовал ее реализации.

Здесь Вы найдете ответы на вопросы о внутреннем мире, образе и ролях. Во второй части блога вы узнаете о том, что вам может отобразить эти роли во внешнем образе.

Я приглашаю Вас в путешествии к самому себе и желаю вам обрести целый набор приемов, котоыре помогут Вам стать болшее успешными и гармоничными в театре своей жизни.

Feelings which dont belong to you....

Today i want to keep my promise which I gave you one month ago and tell you about one more type of feelings.

I already told you about primary and secondary feelings, but there is one more type which sometimes is much more difficult to deal with. Let call it Borrowed feelings. I will explain why..

Have you ever felt something that you consider as a strange feelings, something that does not belong to you or even something you dont want to feel? Or probably once you thought: "I feel it, but i cant explain why.. I dont have reasons to feel it...".

For, example, it happens that one feels deep sadness since childhood and you even cant explain why.. Or you can see child who is very agressive - without any visible reason....
Or other day you meet close friend who is very nervious, talk a little bit, come home and feel unreasonable anxiety.


This kind of feelings are called Borrowed feelings, becouse they come to us from other people. We take them from them and feel them instead letting them to feel it by themselves. Of course it happens unconsciously but still it happens.

The question - why?

There is several reasons.
First reason comes from idea that when we communicate at the deepesr level of communication (emoinal level) - we exchange our emotions with other people like we exchange words when we communicate at verbal level. We create common emotional field from emotional conditions of people involved in the communicative process and exchange all what we bring in the procees of communication. And if at verbal level we can filter what to accept or what not to, so at emotional level very often we dont recognize and dont filter - just recieve everything what other people send to us. and not only recieve but also adopt it.

So its very important to be aware about your emotional own condition - to be able to recognize what is yours and what was brought there from other people.

The second reason is more deeper.
it goes from system approach which states that we  can not consider one person as separate from the hople system he is included. The most importnat systen for everyone is Family. With parents, grandparents and several generations before you.

Sometimes it happens, that in previous generations someone had difficult destiny and had to keep strong feelings - guilt, agression, fears or even love or happines - and this feelings go to next generation untill someone pick it up and start feel. It means that family as a closed system dont let our feelings go outside - it keeps them inside and can pass from generation to generation.

The same happens with our children. if you see something strange happens to your child and you cant explain what is it, look at what happens between parents. Very often our children shows us real picture of our partners relations. They are like mirrow of the family- becouse they can not pretend and just express what they catc from the "family field of relations".

Once I saw this scene. At the funeral of my father everyone kept themselves calm and unemotional. But my daughter showed terrible behavior which she never showed before and after - she yelled, cried, was nervious. So she showed all of us what happened with us and what we did not show to each other.

 Task to develop EI: Every time you communicate with someone try to feel what you feel at that moment and aware where is your feeling and where probably you came in the resonance with other person.

Feeling for November - is TRUST...

Move from a place of knowing within you rather than as a result of adaptation to outer experience. Let go of you assumptions and need to control life's creative process.
It does not matter what spiritual path you’re on, an ultimate sense of peace comes down to one question: Can you let go of the need to control your life, and trust there is a benevolent force guiding all that ever has, is, and will happen?

Trust is the soul's way of attuning to a fundamental law of reality. There is a deep rhythm that moves through all life that cannot be controlled by our will.

When trust informs our experience, it allows our psyche to relax and our soul to be at peace with our situation. We can rest in unquestioned confidence that the universe provides, that we have and will receive what we really need. In fact, often beyond what we alone are even capable of imagining.

When we have a lot of basic trust, we are courageous and take risks. We don't suppress our competencies. We engage in life wholeheartedly, doing what feels appropriate with the confidence that it will work out. Life becomes a story of creation not an obstacle course.

Without basic trust, we tend react to what arises in accordance with our conditioning wanting our process to go one way or another. We cling to predetermined assumptions and outcomes. We become tense and contracted and do all we can to manipulate the circumstances to fit with our desires.

Here is a suggestion for changing the automatic internal response to external signals. When a traffic light turns yellow and there is a safe distance to stop before it turns red, what do you tend to do? Do you accelerate to 'make it through'?  If so, this is a metaphor for what happens inside when our yellow worry light goes off — we accelerate; try harder, move faster, do more, all stress responses to our conditioning.  Trust is the ability to stop and wait for the green light to signal the time to move forward again.

Why not, for the month of November, practice putting on the brakes when the light is yellow and taking that moment to pause and breathe in trust and the deeper rhythm of life while waiting for the green light to again signal you to go.

May Trust increase your capacity for loving thoughts and kind actions.

©1981-2010 InnerLinks

EI skills for development. Part 3. Intrapersonal Development

Two next emotional skills are essential to self-worth, confidence, and personal competence. Intrapersonal development requires the full development of a strong, personal belief system and the effective management of the pressures and stress of life and work.

SELF ESTEEM: The ability, belief, and skill to view self as positive, competent, and successful in achieving personal goals. Self Esteem is reflected in genuine self-confidence, a high regard for self and others, and self worth. Positive Self Esteem is the foundation of achievement and a general sense of well being. Self Esteem includes the powerful personal belief system about self, personal competence, and value of self. Self Esteem is developed and maintained daily by experiencing success in effective dealing with self, others, and the demands of life and work. Self Esteem is a key emotional skill essential for learning about and developing self in all aspects of life.

STRESS MANAGEMENT: The ability and skill to choose and exercise healthy self-control and self-management in response to stressful events. Stress Management is reflected in the ability to control and manage stress and strong emotions in the many situations of daily life and work. Stress Management involves self-regulation of emotional intensity and the use of relaxation and cognitively derived coping strategies in difficult and high stress situations. Stress Management is a key emotional skill essential to health, performance, and satisfaction in life and work.

In the memory of My Father...

Today is 2 years from the day when my father dead..  and today the day when the part of my heart dead with him… and today is the day when my heart and soul reborn and recover…

I don’t know how to consider today – good ot bad day for me, but its exactly true that this is  important day…

I saw a lot of people who met death. And becouse of my profession I was supposed to help them to recover and go over death of beloved people.. I know a lot of theory about stages through which we go when we recover and I used this theory a lot to help other people… But unfortunatly this theory has nothing to do with self-help…

My father is the person who really taught me how to feel.. Not becouse he explained me something, but becouse he created atmosphere for me where was a lot of feelings..Different feelings.. Deep feelings…

I felt respected.. He always treated me as a person who has right to be equal to him – he asked my opinion, he trusted me,  and even if he knew that I lied to him or tried to hide something – he never blame me – always gave me chance to make my own decisions how to behave in this situations…

I felt loved… I am not one of his children, but  I feel that  I really beloved one.. He showed me different sides of love: love-acceptance, love-hate, love-tenderness and love-care… It was the feeling he was really master to produce, but unfortunatly it was the feeling which it was most difficult  for him to feel.  And even after his death he showed me how different could love be:

One of his principles was cleaned shoes. He always told me that shoes should be cleaned and cared.  But in the same time he also taught me that it should be task of the man in the family – to take care of shoes. He taught me how to clean it, but never allowed me to do it.  He did it for all our family by himself.

And in the day of his death, after everything happened and we started  to pack things to use for funeral, we found his shoes cleaned, prepared and shined.. He felt that he would  die soon.. . And even in this last moments he thought about us – women of his family – not to do job he was sure woman should not do…

Imagine, how he were caring me: In the day when I went to hospital becouse his doctor told me that he should tell me something , he caught me in front of the doctor’s  door  and said: “Elena.. most probably they will tell you that I have cancer. I stole my medicine book and I saw its written there.. Please, don’t worry – I already know everything..”

I feel guilty.. I always think I could have done do more to help him to fight with his disease.. I feel guilty that he was so strong not to put all his fears, tears and pain on my shoulders… and till last days did almost everything by himself…

I feel guilty that I was not with him in his last moments..

I feel shame.. I feel shame that I was so afraid to be with him during last days and to see his unhelpness that I could not hold his hand even if I wanted to do it the most of all…

For last 2 years I felt sadness… deep sadness…  I even can admitt that I have been depressed for all this time…  sadness – its attempt to suppress pain, not to feel it.. and its only illusion that its possible to avoid pain..

I read somewhere that depression is a trance.. I was in trance.. I did the same things, repeated it all day, month and even years…. And as I also learn – that to quit trance you should do something… and most important – something new…

And I started doing new things and set goals… I dedicated my speech at European Public Speaking  Competion to my father.. and I know I was good in it. I promised him to get Award as Most Outstanding Trainer – and I got it. I decided to start finally actively  work with my Emotional Intelligence topic – and I went to USA for conference, started my blog, print articles… I started doing new things and finally I can say that today, 19 of October 2010 I quit sadness…

My Dear Father, as always in my childhood, you set high goals for me, you taught me how not to give up and do everything to achieve dreams.  The same you are doing  for me after your death –  you make me move forward, keep living full life and remember about priorities of my  life!

I always feel your support, love and help..   

And through my tears, mix of feelings and pain I say “I love you” as I never loved anyone in my life…. As Daughter loves Father,

and as only my heart can love…

EI skills for development. Part 2. Self Management in Life and Career

There are other 3 Emotional Intelligence skills which you can develop to use more your initial emotional potential.

DRIVE STRENGTH: The ability to effectively direct personal energy and motivation to achieve personal, career, and life goals. Drive Strength is reflected in goal achievement and in the ability to complete meaningful goals that result in personal satisfaction and positive feelings. Drive Strength involves the learning of specific strategies and processes of action goal setting that a person can apply and practice on a daily basis in personal, career, and life projects. Drive Strength is a key emotional skill essential for high performance, goal achievement, and success.

TIME MANAGEMENT: The ability to organize tasks into a personally productive time schedule and use time effectively for task completion. Time Management is reflected in the ability to achieve and productively manage the valuable resource of time, rather than responding or reacting to the demands of time. Time Management involves the learning and using of effective skills and brings harmony to thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on a daily basis in the pursuit of personal, career, and life goals. Time Management is a key emotional skill essential to the effective management of self.

COMMITMENT ETHIC: The ability to complete tasks, projects, assignments, and personal responsibilities in a dependable and successful manner, even in difficult circumstances. Commitment Ethic is reflected by an inner-directed, self-motivated, and persistent effort to complete projects regardless of other distractions and difficulties. Commitment Ethic involves a personal standard for meeting the goals, expectations, and requirements of life and career. Commitment Ethic is a key emotional skill essential for success and satisfaction and is the inseparable companion of high achievement and personal excellence.

EI skills for development. Part 1. Personal Leadership

All emotional skills can be divided in a 4 areas, which you can start to develop. I want to introduce all of them step by step.

First area is PERSONAL LEADERSHIP.

In this area there are 4 emotional skills which are essential to the learning and development of positive and responsible leadership. Personal Leadership requires social skills, the ability to understand and respect the views of others, the ability to solve problems, and the ability to lead itself in positive ways.

So, here are this skiils: 

COMFORT: The ability to judge appropriate social, emotional, and physical distance and verbal and non-verbal interactions with others and to impact and influence others in positive ways. Interpersonal Comfort includes the ability to establish rapport and develop trust in relationships by using effective attending skills and being honest, self-assured, and open. Comfort enables a person to be confident, spontaneous, and relaxed with others in a variety of situations. Comfort is a key emotional skill essential for developing and maintaining positive interactions with others in social and/or leadership capacities.

EMPATHY: The ability to accurately understand and constructively respond to the expressed feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and needs of others. Accurate Empathy involves active listening in a patient, compassionate, and non-judgmental manner and communication back to the person the feelings of being heard, understood, and accepted as a person. Empathy enables a person to be viewed as caring, genuine, and trustworthy. Empathy is a key emotional skill essential for honest and effective communication in social and/or leadership capacities.

DECISION MAKING: The ability to plan, formulate, initiate, and implement effective problem solving procedures. Decision Making involves using problem solving and conflict resolution strategies in solving personal problems and using a skills approach in making decisions. Decision Making skills include knowing and using a systematic model or process for anticipating and approaching problems and decisions in daily life and work. Decision Making is a key emotional skill essential for formulating and seeing choices in problem situations and for involving others in the solution to problems and conflicts.

LEADERSHIP: The ability to positively impact, persuade, influence others, and in general make a positive difference. Leadership is a behavioral reflection of self-empowerment with developed abilities and skills in interpersonal and goal-directed areas of life. Leadership is a set of personal and goal directed behaviors and actions that create momentum, consensus, and support in working with others. Leadership is a key emotional skill essential for establishing and providing vision, momentum, and direction for others in ways that are valued and respected.

If you want to learn more about level of development of your skills in the area Personal Leadership, let me know - I will provide you with Emotional Intelligence Skills Assessment.

Positive value of the negative feelings...

Say "YES" to the LIFE!

“I should not feel angry!” (..guilty, offended, sad, lonely and etc.) 

Very often I hear this words from my clients – they stop feeling some feelings, because they consider them as negative. 

We prefer to use positive feelings – like happiness, joy, love, excitement. And we often block negative feelings within us.

But who decided what feelings are positive and what are negative? Do we have an official list of feelings we should feel and  forbidden emotions”? Its only in our minds!

Lets look closely at different feelings and see what negative can positive emotions bring us and what value for us have negative emotions.  

 I will give you some examples and if you wish you can you’re your own  “research” about it.   The most ideas I list below came from participants of my “Emotional Intelligence” course all over the world. And I completely agree with all of them. 

Negative Effect of Positive Emotions

If you feel independent you can start being self-centered and finally you will stay alone .

If you feel optimistic – you can lose some potential danger moments and you will lose your critical mind.

If you feel  relaxed than  finally you can become lazy.

Confidence can bring you to stop of self development and closed mind set.

Excitement  can take all your energy and you will fill empty at the end.  

Positive Value of Negative Emotions

Sadness – tell us that we lost something important for us and gives us information about our values.

Anger – huge source of energy. If we let this energy go out – we can do a lot of things.

Envy – shows our motivators and can motivate us for development and actions.

Loneliness – gives us time to rest and be with ourselves.

Fear – make us become careful and shows potential danger.

Hopeless – gives us sign that we need help and support and if we ask we can have it.

Guilt – tells us that we did something that is not according to our values and principles. And we can correct our actions.  

You can see that there is always two sides of each emotion – the question is how you use your emotions to help you.

One of the definitions of Emotional Intelligence is that its learned ability to think constructively.  Its skill to use information and resources which emotions give you for your success.

Every emotion is a source of resources for you – and if you block it, if you don’t allow yourself to feel it – you ?? yourself of it. And if you ask yourself – what this emotion tells me? What information about my needs it gives me? What I need to do? – answers will lead you to constructive actions which satisfy your needs.

The word EMOTIONS goes from E-MOTION. “Energy to MOVE.”  Emotion keeps a lot of energy for actions and you should find the answer for what exact action you have this energy.

If you just feel worry – you can block this feeling, stop yourself and finally have headache or stomach pain (because all our blocked emotions finally find place and tension in our body). Or you can choose something else – you can ask yourself:  what worries me? What should I do differently not to worry? What I do wrong? – and answers will help you to find peace within you and act accordingly to your needs.

Task to develop EI skills: next time you feel strong emotion – ask yourself: What it tells me? What action should I do? What need do I have to be satisfied? And as soon as you have answer, Just Act!

Unconstructive Emotions: how they help us to feel better?

Personal feelings - we hold it within our heart :)

We use terms emotions or feelings in different circumstances.  If we happy, if we feel offended, if we even cant call the name of feeling - still we say - I feel something...


But do you know that we have different types of feelings? And what is the most important - depending on the type we should use different ways of managing it. And only if we use appropriate way - we can really help ouselves.


So, we have two main groups of feelings: our personal feelings - are the feelings which come to us becouse of ourselves - they appear as the result of the events happed with us. So simply we can say that we are the reason for that feelings.

But also we have taken feelings which we take from external world. I will tell you about it in later posts.

And now lets look at the first  group.

Personal feelings.  
As you already know - personal feeling appears becouse of us. Something happens in our life and we start feel something. And first type here is Primary Emotions. These are emotons which appears immidiatly after something has happened and you cant control it anyhow. We have them as a heritage after animals and they serve us to help us survive.
Basically we have 4 primary Emotions: Anger, Fear, Joy and Sadness. All other are coming mostly from these 4. And if we have some stimuls from external world - one of these 4 emotions comes first as an answer.


And if Joy we consider as positive emotion and we feel it with the pleasure, the Anger or Fear or sadness usually bring us unplesant sensations and we have tendency to suppress it. Trying not to feel or to substitute it with Secondary Emotions (SE).


They come (or its better say we bring it ) to help us NOT to feel primary emotions. Such feeling as Offense, Guilt, Envy and a lot of others - they come and hide primary and help us "to feel better". For example, its easier to feel Offense than to follow Anger and fight with those who make us feel pain. And we "prepfer" (of course unconsciously - we dont really make thiss choce)  to feel offended.


The trick with SE is that they can lasting for very long time (inthe next post i will tell you why) even for years, and Primary Emotions they have limited time "to live" within us. Only difference is that PE could be (and usuallythey are) very intensive. And often they bring strong pain to us. They have a lot of energy within them. And often people prefer to feel something else (SE) with low intensiveness but for longer time than to feel strong emotion. They have fear that this strong emotions willlast for a long time, but its not true. 


The main advice is not to block primary emotions come to you, feel it and let it go very quickly.


Task to  develop EI:  next time you are in the situation which couses emotions, ask your self: what of the primary emotion i feel now? and notice what Secondary Emotion comes to hide it. Do it at least 5 times and send me your otes about it :) God Luck!

Why do we need develop EI skills???

Honestly, I never heard tis question from anyone when I start talking about EI. And in the same time  I do believe that its important to have clear understanding what role EI plays in our communication.

Let's look at the different levels of communication and how they influence on each other.

First and most visible level is level of verbal communication. This level is about WHAT we pass through communication process. We think that words and content is the most important of all other communication channels, but its only one of several and only small ammount information goes through it. Even if its easiest way to express yourself, its only top of iceberg.

The next level is para verbal communication - it contains charachteristics of speech and answers the question HOW we say things. Our speed of speech, intonation, volume and etc. and through this level we can pass more than just content, but what is more important - information about how inspired and interested we are in the content, how confident we, what happens to us when we pass message.


Research shows that the non verbal communication transports 98% of all information. At this level we pass information about our emotional condition through gestures, posture, facial expression, our apperance and even smell.


The deepest level of every communication is the level of emotions. Our values, attitude, mood - all this components are hidden here. It seems that they are hidden, but actually we cant hide it - they will appear on the higher levels. Actually, each lower level influences on the higher level.

For, example: you can  prepare content and structure of your speach, but if the tone of your voice and intonation dont help you to pass your idea efficiently - the content does not have sense.

Even if you have interesting ideas supprting by para ferbal level - your body language should be appropriate. If not - you will not have the best result of communication.

And I am sure that you had in your life situation when you see person talking with you with a nice words in a good pace supporting message with efficiant gestures - but in the same time your heart does not believe what this speaker says. It happens becouse emotional level influence on all other levels. It uses all other levels do bring itself through different signs like a gates to emotional world.

its important to add that as soon as we  can build our communication at different levels (we can speak or we can use only body language) - we can also communicate only at emotional level. We can recieve information and we can pass information about our internal condition even if we dont use words or gestures.

TASK for EI-development:  The next time you will communicate with someone - try to pay attention on what happens at different levels with you and with your partner. Watch differencies at level appearance and similarities in them. Look how your emotional level appears at other levels and try to recognise using signs from high levels - what happens with other person on the emotional level.

Do you know difference between terms like EI, EC and EQ?

Reading a lot of materials about Emotional Intelligence topic  I noticed that people who write it mix this words a lot, so now I want to clarify it for you:

EI – Emotional Intelligence – is the innate potential to feel, use, communicate, recognize, remember, describe, identify, learn from, manage, understand and explain emotions.

And the main word here is word “potential” . Everyone has this internal potential , we all born with it – but the question each of us should answer and choice to make – how much of this potential you will use. Will you forget about this gift you have and live your life unconsciously, not paying attention to yourself or you will use as much as you have and make your life happy and fulfilled?

Your decision will lead you to your Emotional Competency, shortly– EC.

 Emotional Competence – it’s a combination of skills, based on your initial potential, which can be developed and practiced to make you more emotionally intelligent. It shows how much of your potential you use and how much your skills are developed. You can assess, develop and practice your Emotional Competence.

EQ  - Emotional quotient  - this term comes from IQ. It is used as measurement tool to measure you Emotional Competence.  Actually, till that moment there is no any evaluation tools to really measure your emotional skills. All excited   questionnaires  can only show your opinion about your skills. They can be used as a basis for development, but not for making any decision or conclusion.

I use triangle metaphor for showing connection and difference between all that terms – and as not all potential can be used and not everything from your skills can be measured – that’s why on each stage you will loose a part of the figure – that’s why its not square, but its up to you what kind of triangle to have and how much of the potential to use.

I encourage you to use as much of your potential as possible. And develop your Emotional Intelligence skills.

Movements of my soul...

I still feeling impressed by the idea I learned during my trip to Mongolia. In Mongolian language there is no any word for word “feeling” or “emotion”.

First  moment when I heard it I thought: oh, how probably they are not enough emotionally intelligent… But in a second I heard answer too my question: What you use to express it?”. And the answer was: “
To express this words we use “movements of the soul”. And it was the moment which change my attitude to Mongolia and Emotional Intelligence in general.

I posted this phrase in Facebook and got another  idea- “Feelings are the gate to our Soul”. And as you can see it became the main idea of this blog and it’s a main basis for my approach to the Emotional Intelligence now.

Idea about EI could be research from the 2 points of view. First - very practical – as a business training approach and second - very personal – more like psychotherapy. I don’t want to follow none of it.

Since the beginning  I have been looking for approach within which I can people who are in a good mental health still want to find a way to themselves, to become more aware about internal life and to learn how to use emotional internal word for reaching success in external social life.

I learned psychology in University and it gave me basic scientific knowledge about emotions. I learned gestalt approach and it gave me my personal ability to feel and be aware and really to become more emotionally intelligent in the terms of being in deep contact with myself. I learned coaching and it gave me tools to help other people to develop emotional competence skills.  This tree roads finally led me to the Mission I have now:  to tell people about EI using simple words and help them to develop EI skills using simple techniques and to let them to be aware about what happens in their internal  life.

That is why I do courses and coaching and consulting in the Emotional Intelligence and bring this idea into humans life – because I experienced it by myself that this skills help us to be more happy in our relations with ourselves and other people.

You can count on me if you want:

-         To  Assess your EI skills

-         To Develop your EI skills through trainings or coaching

-         To Learn more how emotional life happens in ourselves and other people

We can collaborate in different formats:

-         Trainings, presentations and Speech

-         Coaching

-         Skype consulting

-         Reading Blog

-         Going through  EI Assessment and getting feedback about results

So, I welcome you home.. I invite you to interesting journey...